life. or the lack thereof.

It's nearly midnight. The streets are strangely quiet, no siren, not many cars passing by. The house feels empty. If not for the washing machine that is spinning and whirling, it would have been utterly quiet.

I sit in a corner of my room, feeling the emptiness in my head and my heart. I have tried to be happy, to forget what should be forgotten. For half of the time, I feel fine. (But it's not quite right to say that because during those half of the time, I am not exactly feeling.) For another half of the time, in lone moments, I struggle to survive, to find a reason to live, to believe that good days will come.  As living has become a tedious chore, I wake up every morning with a question why. Why do I have to wake up to this aimless life. Why haven't I waken up from this cruel reality.

"One can't live without a hope"

I understand it now.

But there's nothing I should hope for. There's nothing that i want, or rather, the only thing that I want is what I cannot have.

My life was full of promise. I have a great job. I have a good family. I had a perfect girlfriend. There was nothing I wanted more. I once woke up every morning, cherishing, celebrating life and the mere fact that I'm living. I had a goal in mind and I could see who I were to become. I saw what laid ahead of me and counting each day for that moment to come. But that, now, will never happen. Never.

I can't see my future. Tomorrow is just another day to convince myself that life is worth living. At best, I'll waste my time with some momentarily fun activities (what are the point of all these things anyway) or find something seemingly intellectual to read from the internet (my new books will only arrive on Tuesday) Stone, mope and cry in a corner of my room, at worst.

Well, I guess my life is not that bad yet. Suicide is still something I will never consider. Just that I won't feel a tad sorry if tomorrow I will not wake up. So don't you be.


Ni submitted homework at 12:26 PM

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