Sunday, August 10, 2008

life. or the lack thereof.

It's nearly midnight. The streets are strangely quiet, no siren, not many cars passing by. The house feels empty. If not for the washing machine that is spinning and whirling, it would have been utterly quiet.

I sit in a corner of my room, feeling the emptiness in my head and my heart. I have tried to be happy, to forget what should be forgotten. For half of the time, I feel fine. (But it's not quite right to say that because during those half of the time, I am not exactly feeling.) For another half of the time, in lone moments, I struggle to survive, to find a reason to live, to believe that good days will come.  As living has become a tedious chore, I wake up every morning with a question why. Why do I have to wake up to this aimless life. Why haven't I waken up from this cruel reality.

"One can't live without a hope"

I understand it now.

But there's nothing I should hope for. There's nothing that i want, or rather, the only thing that I want is what I cannot have.

My life was full of promise. I have a great job. I have a good family. I had a perfect girlfriend. There was nothing I wanted more. I once woke up every morning, cherishing, celebrating life and the mere fact that I'm living. I had a goal in mind and I could see who I were to become. I saw what laid ahead of me and counting each day for that moment to come. But that, now, will never happen. Never.

I can't see my future. Tomorrow is just another day to convince myself that life is worth living. At best, I'll waste my time with some momentarily fun activities (what are the point of all these things anyway) or find something seemingly intellectual to read from the internet (my new books will only arrive on Tuesday) Stone, mope and cry in a corner of my room, at worst.

Well, I guess my life is not that bad yet. Suicide is still something I will never consider. Just that I won't feel a tad sorry if tomorrow I will not wake up. So don't you be.
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Saturday, March 29, 2008

From everything to ...nothing...

How could have I let you die?
How could have I just let you slip by?

I said to you before,
That I wouldn't ever let you die.
That you were not allowed.
You were mine.

And you once said to me,
that you wouldn't leave
without saying good bye.

You said you were afraid,
very very afraid to have to die
without me by your side.

And another time, you told me
that you would kill yourself immediately
on the spot.
if one day I ever died.

How could have I just let you slip by?
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

for the inobservant, i've gone back to the start

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
Its only science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm goin' back to the start.

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005


stop imagining things! last night i heard weird sounds. and just now i woke up smelling Samperona and it felt so real. i think i'm gonna start seeing weird things soon! =s

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i really have to stop imagining things. i seriously think it's getting out of hand.

anyway, i know what tomorrow has in store for me - french quiz and, maybe, a waffle!

so lemme practice.

[excusez-moi pour disparition de accents. je ne peux pas ecrire francais dans mon journal]

aujourd'hui, je n'ai rein fait. je suis allee a l'ecole pour mon projet (FYP) mais je n'ai pas pu finir mon logiciel. donc, je suis allee pour lecon economique. il n'a pas ete tres interessant.

la soiree, je suis allee a coffee bean parce que j'ai vu etudier et j'a vu boire un bon cafe au lait. je suis retournee a 11 heurs.

maintenent, je veux me coucher.

Bonne nuit tout de monde.

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the moment i opened my room's door, the cool breeze from the other side of the building ran crashing into my face through the window. the room was bright. the papers on my table were flying around. it's quite a familiar sight i'm getting used to.

we were born alone and we will die alone. we do just fine being alone.

the fan is making an annoying noise again. i decided to drown the room with some punk tunes. neither the irritating noise nor the footsteps is audible anymore.

i pushed your ashtray aside. i cleared your leftover can of beer and stocked more beer in my fridge. i bought broccoli and cauliflower to boil for supper

the brightly lit room. the same old punk tunes that we used to listen together in my car. a cool can of beer that we used to share (cos i can never finish them myself). a blanket that still smells faintly like a smoke from your cigarettes.

i miss you. and the thought of you makes me smile.

it's the night like this that makes life worth living. the night like this that i so want to sleep cos i can't wait for tomorrow to come. the night like this that everything seems so beautiful. the night like this that i'm thinking of you.

the moon has stolen my sorrow away. and the star just promised me that tomorrow will be a better day. the wind said he'd bring my thoughts to you.

and i can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store for me.

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Monday, March 07, 2005

a word a day

From Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

Platonic \Pla*ton"ic\, Platonical \Pla*ton"ic*al\, a.
[L.Platonicus, Gr. ?: cf. F. platonique.]
1. Of or pertaining to Plato, or his philosophy, school, or opinions.
2. Pure, passionless; nonsexual; philosophical.

Platonic love, a pure, spiritual affection, subsisting between persons of opposite sex, unmixed with carnal desires, and regarding the mind only and its excellences; -- a species of love for which Plato was a warm advocate.

From THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993)

PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.

Personal note: Ayn Rand didn't believe in Platonic Love. i've been contemplating if Platonic Love is possible. what say you?

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beautiful mind

do you think there is anyone whose mind so beautiful and whose logic so simple that he does not know how to lie?

there is. it's my brother.

if you ask him about what he has done which possibly make you angry and him feel guilty, he will nervously try to avoid it by repeating your question or looking down the floor and eventually he will tell you the truth and beg for your forgiveness.

isn't that amazing?

imagine if everyone is like him? how is it gonna be like?

if our logics are so simple that we just act on our own will, do you think it's gonna simplify our lives? or will it be all messed up?

imagine a world with every living man's mind so simple, simple that they act what they will, simple that they do not know how to lie (lying takes quite a complexed logic). they give the truth to every question asked.

a utopia or a chaos?

imagine a guy who has to feed his family but cannot afford to do so decides to rob a bank. he does it and confesses it when the police interogates him.

a utopia or a chaos?

what if i have a mind with no logic? if i act on what i desire. if i act on my sensation [produced by an automatic reaction of a sense organ to a stimulus from the outside world]. if i eat when i'm hungry. if i cry when i feel sad (and not pretend to be strong). if i skip school because i'm lazy (not as if i'm not doing it). if i sleep because i'm tired. if i have to see you because i miss you. if i stand opposite your house for hours waiting for you to come out because i want to see you. if i have to be down on my knee begging because i want you to forgive me.

would my life be happier? or would i mess everything up?

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i'm just a happy kid.

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the moment i stepped into my room, i felt the stillness in the air. i stared into the tomb-like darkness, wanting to see what i wished to see. but i saw nothing. i heard the deafening silence. i listened hard. he's calling out for a friend.

i made friend with him.

an annoying noise from the spinning ceiling fan is another friend of ours. the door was left ajar and i heard the footsteps. i did not wish to turn to peek at it.

but i did.

silly me getting myself disappointed again over an imagination of my self-delusion.

then i looked at the ashtray. and your three-quarteredly-smoked cigarette is still lying there waiting for you to finish it. i also haven't cleared your half-drunk holland beer left over from last week. i dont know why. i don't think it can be drunk anymore. and you left your e33 in my fridge. i wanted to drink them but i don't really like e33.

a dimly lit room. the same old tunes that have been repeating in my jukebox for a million times. an annoying never-tiring spinning fan. a blanket that smells faintly like your smoke.

i miss you. i miss how life used to be.

it's the night like this that kills me everyday. the night like this that keeps from sleeping. the night that doesn't seem to end. the night that drives me wild in my own emotions.

take me out of here. i wanna run away. keep me in a box and gas me with cyanide. gas me a little more than the recommended doze so i dont have to wake up.

i don't want to go through another night like this.

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Sunday, March 06, 2005


i went to coffee bean today to do my project. was ordering coffee from a guy who always serves me.

he asked, "you alone?"
i said "yes"
he continued, "you used to have a companion right?"
i smiled a sad but happy smile and replied "yes"

at least i used to.

you are wrong. memories are not just fragments of the past, they're what makes the present more bearable.



i wanna eat chicken rice.

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